when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
