Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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