remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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