How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
