DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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