i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
