4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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