I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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