In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
