Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
