Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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