i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
