Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
