She went from zero to smokin in five shots
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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