white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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