I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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