the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
