dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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