Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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