Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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