____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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