Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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