i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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