I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
