she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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