did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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