even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
