haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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