i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
