God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
