I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize