I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So apparently I’m into choking now
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