I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
