last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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