You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
