Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
