I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
