I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
