I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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