I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize