Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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