Just fell off a train. Bad.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
