that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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