I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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