the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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