I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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