I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
