Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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