im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
