So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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