My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
