you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
