I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize