like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
as a side note pls kill me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
