My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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