Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
