...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
