How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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