God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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