I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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