y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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