I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
