I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
