Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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