i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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